* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
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Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
our love story in four pictures
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
We like the way Dwight thinks
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Overindulged this afternoon.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards