Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Most fashion shows these days…
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
And now we wait
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.