remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.