The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.