3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
What the dentist sees
Mad Max: Furry Road
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
God making man in his image was the original selfie
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.