You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?