[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION