My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!