My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
You Might Also Like
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Trying
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.