I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’