One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
This is my emotional support knife.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it