I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.