Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.