If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
This forever.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.