Dance like you’re not the father
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What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.