[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
You Might Also Like
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…