My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.