If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.