One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
You Might Also Like
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.