It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Sharon I have some bad news
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.