Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…