A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Yes, this is exactly right
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!