What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that