me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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Cool shirt 🙂
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Happy Caturday!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling