Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
road rage
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby