Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Ovenable?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*weighs self after shaving
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming