the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
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She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast