VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I’m awake but I object,
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us