I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL