“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
😅😅😅
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up