A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.