Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
saw this in a dream
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.