CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
You Might Also Like
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.