[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Investing in beetcoin
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Oh boy, $150,000!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.