SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
The Friday File.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?