I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn鈥檛! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My brain when I鈥檓 up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
When I asked for my wife鈥檚 hand in marriage, I didn鈥檛 realize how often I鈥檇 just get the finger.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
A friend helps you before you need it
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Love this one 馃槀馃
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*