Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
*frowns in Scottish*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice