Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho