Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.