Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg