Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
next level snooze
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
consequences, the bane of my existence
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.