They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop