I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You Might Also Like
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>