I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
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i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
bury ourselves
how to have an accident 101
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.