BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Breaking news:
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.