When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.