Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???