Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia