Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Venn
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Camping tip: No.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.