Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster